The good, the bad and the ugly...

I was talking with Matt this morning about my struggles so that we could pray together because I definitely need those prayers! Rebekah is a year old now! She is a wonderful little girl, but a sinner :) I am desperately wicked as well, apart from God. I am still going through that sanctification process and it is painful at times.

As I was sharing with Matty my struggles I was telling him how frustrated I have felt the last couple of days. I still struggle with my role of being a mother...that takes all of me. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I feel so privileged to be able to be a mother, but, there are struggles that go on in my life. If I want to be a good and godly mother to Rebekah, that means that I have to give her all my love, give her the time that she needs, etc. I need to be there 100% for her, especially right now that she is so dependant on me. My struggle is laying everything else down so that I can fully embrace and concentrate on her. This is how it goes, "Rebekah is playing with a toy and she wants me to be right there, but not only in presence...she wants me to BE THERE and play with her. I, on the other hand, want to finish the scrapbook that I am making for her...I want to get the dishes done while she plays around me. She will do that for a little bit, but truly she is the happiest when I am at her level...playing, being silly, loving her. Only at this level can I truly love her and be patient with her and truly embrace what she is doing."

This is hard for me...I am one of those type of people who want a clean house, read a book...use my time as much as possible and it frustrates me when I can't get anything done. I know that this is my fault and that I need to let go! More than anything, I want to be an excellent mother and wife. This is more important to me than anything else. But the laundry still needs to get done, the dishwasher needs to be loaded and unloaded, bathrooms need to be cleaned up! I truly wish I could have someone to help out with those things so that I can focus completely on Rebekah but I don't. Then I think, I only have ONE child :) How am I going to handle two, three or four!?

This is not an anti mom post, but these are things that go on in my heart and mind in a daily basis. These are some questions I ask myself sometimes. I KNOW that our Lord is great, mighty and awesome! I was reading in Acts 17:24-25 how He is Lord of heaven and earth! He is powerful...and He is watching me 24/7! The only thing I can tell you is that being a mom keeps me humbled, broken before the Lord and truly dependant on Him. It is a good thing, yet at the same time it is a painful process. I remember talking to my friend Kelley a long time ago about being married and having children and she said that husbands and kids are a part of that sanctification process and how they are a mirror for us to see all of our shortcomings. God is definitely using our little girl to show me my selfishness, impatience and my lack of love. I thank the Lord for Rebekah! I love her to pieces...all this hurts so much because I want Rebekah to have a wonderful home. I think that sometimes to me that means being "perfect" and that I will never be. Like Paul said at the end of Romans 7 as he himself struggled with wanting to do what was right and ending up doing what he did not want to do, "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." BUT then he ends it so beautifully when he says, "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. Romans 7:24-25. This is exactly how I feel...ONLY God can deliver me, help me to become a godly mother and wife so that He Himself will receive all the glory, not me. I love you Lord so much! I need you!

Here is a picture of Rebekah's b-day celebration. We took her to Zios for dinner and we gave her a little bit of that cool whip... we try to not give her sweets at all, so this was a special treat for her :) She liked it, but she liked her bread better ;) Smart girl :)